1:42 a.m. - 2005-03-07
Im bad at convincing myself of the lies, the lie that im over it all.
this is 12 paragraphs long. sorry. dont start something you cant finnish.
Today was pretty fucking bad to be honest. I didnt like much of it at all and would have been happy if none of it happened.
I really enjoy being around the majority of the people I was around. I really like new ideas and plans that were made today. I really liked having a short conversation.
My attitude was horrible. It is now too, but now I have more of a reason. For most of the day I was being a pretty nice boy. Im not saying that I didnt do or say something mean- just that I didnt do anything, or say anything that was more mean than usual. With this regular hate brewing inside me and my normal inability to enjoy things- something seemed to ruin my day.
Talking to people on MSN was really lame. Not the conversations. Just the people. I really wish that I never met some of the people I have and I wish that the people I do like- didnt like the people I dont like. I just dont want to deal with somethings.
At 12:09 on Monday the 7th of March I was pulled over for driving 25 killometers over the speed limit. On the ticket the officer wrote "mar 6/05". It felt when as if someone lifted 1000 pounds off my back. Everything came crashing back down on me when I looked again and read; "on or about"- just before the date that the officer wrote. I havent decided what I will do about the ticket, but at the moment I am trying to pretend it doesnt exist.
I planned on not sleeping. Just thinking all night. I wanted to stay up, but with my current mood I just wish I were asleep. I dont want to deal with any problems that I have right now or even problems that seem to be over.
I probably will just stay up and do my best to keep my mind off of the negitive things. This will not be easy considering I cant think about something that previously made me so happy. I had planned on doing online CALM work everytime I pull an allnighter... what a joke.
I just wish things were so different than they are now. I know I wish for alot of things, but this is one that I save for the brightest stars. I just wish that those moments never ended. Those times when I was holding her and thought "I never want this to end. I never want to let go of her". It seems like those are my only happy thoughts that I could resort to in such low hours, but my happy thoughts only lead me to my worst thoughts of the moment. The realization that those moments did end and most likly will never reoccur.
I love you and hate myself along with the way things work in our heads.
Seeing you is the only thing that could have made me happy at the end of this night. I usally say things like "the only thing that could make me happy right now is kissing a girl". Its usally so true and I have never had a specific girl in mind when saying it. But lovers I assure you of this; kissing that one girl is the only thing that could have saved this night. It could have made this day amazing. It is something that I wish for. Something that will never happen again. Something that will always be remembered.
If the american girls werent comming next week and if I werent turning 18 so soon- Id wouldnt drink again for a very long time. It ruined so much for me and when I try to drown my problems with alcohol, my problems over take me. 2 40's were enough to die. I dont know how many drinks it took to make you cry, but I wish I never swallowed them.
This could ruin me. I now understand how some guys can be with girls and only think and talk about other girls.
I always thought that I would love any barable girl that loved me- just becaus she was nice enough to be with me. But now this could have ruined me. I understand how guys can compare every girl to one other girl. Because they are comparing all the other girls to girls that were almost as good as you were. You were special and I cant take this lightly. I know now that there might not be another girl out there to make me as happy as you did. Even dying, I could realize that she was not making me as happy as I could have been with anyone who loved me. Now I cant see that. I dont only compare you to other girls- just anything that I think once made me happy.
