4:19 a.m. - 2005-01-15
\"Guheevnin biches\"
I don�t think I will go to sleep tonight.
I love medicine.
I haven�t been this irritable in a while. I want to fuckin kill. People I know. It may not help that I wont get sleep, but I know I wont have a dream, or at least remember it.
I still want a wifey. Now the only thing that has changed is the fact that i care who it will be. I realized this a while ago. I could have fucked the shit out of Jackie Reid in my steam room, but after spending 1 spare with her- I realized that I never wanted to hear her voice again. I care about a few of the people that I have been spending my time with lately and would actually consider spending the rest of my life with a few of them. Others I don�t care for at all. They left me with sore teeth tonight. Grinding my teeth was the only thing i could do to suppress my urge to crack some fucking heads open.
I am unbalanced again. Not unhappy. Just unbalanced.
I am happy that I have stopped talking to a few people. Having them in my life was only stressing me out. Not only stressing me out. Them in my life also made me feel wanted sometimes until a while ago. But now only brings me stress.
I saw a girl in the theater today. I had no fucking clue as to who this girl was but she yelled my name as I walked by. I said, "hey bud" she said "Kirsten just left!" and that when I knew she was some tenner girl from my school. I said "oh really? Where is she?" I wanted to see her. She�s a hugger. The weirdo replied, "oh she just left. Which is weird because she was talking about you all day." cute. I felt famous before I found out who the girl was, but the disillusionment was choked down with the fact that Kirsten was talking about me.
I need a hugger. I want a clingy girl to follow me around and give me a peck on the cheek when she says goodbye.
I wish all girls I hung out with were huggers. Some are and that�s nice to have. Just the warmth and love in a hug is needed in this cold weather. I mean, it�s just healthy. When you love a girl as much as I love some of the girls I am friends with- it is only natural to want to express your love in the form of a passionate hug or a light kiss to the cheek. If you don�t see where I am coming from, then I would have to quote Humphrey Bogart�s line in Casablanca. �Frankly my dear- I don�t give a damn�. I just don�t see any difference between a goodbye hug and a goodbye kiss. Of course a kiss, even if it is just on the cheek, is more intimate than a hug- but it still has the same meaning. You love your friend and want to show them that you care. To quote DMX �talk is cheep mother fucker�. When a kiss is shared between friends (of the opposite sex)- it shows your friend that you care even more- this emphasized expression of care has come about due to the fact that the common opinion is: a kiss is too much to share with a friend.
If you don�t like reading so much stuff, then just fucking hug me when you see me� or find me a cool girl that will settle for me. Either way I get a hug.
The hug Brittany gave me when she woke up was nice.
Anna really does care and it comes through in her hugs. Unlike other girls that think a hug is judged on the time length and the grip they have, Anna�s hugs make you feel more then warm. They make you feel special. I love you so much bud.
I only have a crush on 5 girls now instead of 6 or 7 I had before. The only reason the number went down is because I actually just cannot remember who the other 2 girls were. I know I have actual feelings for one of them. Another one of them is probably the one I will put the most effort into, this is because I have not developed a friendship with her yet, so there isn�t much at stake. I guess I made this choice because I usually fuck things up with girls I like because were already friends and they don�t return any feeling but the friendship. It is understandable, but it sucks. This way, I can�t lose a friend, plus I may have the best shot with this very same girl. Come to think of it, she is probably the only one that I have an alright chance with.
I really like what Shylah has done for my hair- but I will miss the feeling of the wind passing by a single uncovered piece of my head.
I am going to watch the pants situation play tomorrow. It will be a pretty uncomfortable situation. Not in my pants or anything, but with the others that will be attending. Maybe I will get drunk?
Either way, it would probably be best that I drink soon.
As of late, I have been fighting with myself in my head. I will think something like �maybe I will go to the show, get drunk and kiss some little weird girl?� then I will think something immediately after like �no that�s dumb! How would I get home?� then �maybe I will kick the shit out of those fags from defeat tasted nothing� I cant make any decisions at all. None. Not even simple ones. Like if I should stop writing now or just keep thinking of something to say. I dono. I keep getting preoccupied with the TV. Funny nigs.
Julia- How the ef did you get my glovers?
I wish zombies were taking over like in Dawn Of The Dead. I could friggin take those fuckasses.
Well� I guess I am just going to fuck around on nexopia and I dono, maybe play some �smashing�� well its hard to say goodbye, but let me assure you- If you were here, a friend that I love and a girl- I would kiss you on the cheek and hug you, instead of just typing the words �goodbye�. But you're not here. You're not all girls that I love and not all good with hugs. So GOODBYE.
p.s.
nah I don�t remember what I was going to be PSing about.
EDIT 9:35 AM
stayed up all night. from 4-now i have been working on a little sketch. and i went for coffee with tegan at 6 and my dad caught me comming back in at 6:30, he didnt care at all.
Im not really good at drawing yet, so i always draw over them on psp8, you know, spice them up a bit? not only was i disapointed in my skill, but i feel ashamed of how this representation of anna's beauty is so poor. Stupid sketches or beautiful works of art, theres no difference- neither will ever compare to the sparkle of your face.
"you are the brightest firefly in my jar."
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