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1:36 a.m. - 2007-04-13
IM SORRY FOR WRITING THIS BUT I NEED TO REFLECT ON MY FEELINGS BECAUSE I PROMISED I WOULDNT KILL MYSELF
Tonight she said she didnt feel well, so I drove her home.

We talked for about 45 minutes. Cried together and she gave me the last kiss she will ever give me.

She said she knows what Im going through and she said shes gone through it before.
Thats why she was crying, cause she felt bad for making me feel as bad as she had felt.

I felt bad for making her feel bad, about making me feel bad.
I never want to see her crying.
So were not going to hang out anymore.

She says she loves me and I thought she meant it the same way I did.
She says she cares so much.
She made me "promise not to do anything stupid", meaning promise not to kill yourself.

She probably does "love me" but when its the way she means it- who fucking cares.
I mean, Ive got a mom to love me like that.
I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
I cant.
I cant make her feel bad for not wanting the same things as me.

She told me how I was such a beautiful person, but I think thats shit.
I mean, the whole reason I cant make her feel bad (about me wanting to die right now) is because I wasnt good enough for her to still really love me. The way I love her.

She told me she feels so horrible for making me feel the same way she once felt. She said she never wanted to make anyone feel that way. She feels guilty.

Well when she felt the way I felt- I promised myself I would never treat any female, the way she was treated by the boy who made her feel so sad. I dont think I treated her as badly. I mean I didnt fuck like 8 other girls, while treating her like shit, but I guess I really didnt treat her as well as I should have.

I was so fucking stupid. So many people say the same old cliche shit- you dont know what you have till its gone. I thought she didnt know what she had, I thought she didnt appreciate me.

I was so fucking stupid. Im the one who didnt realize that I was being treated just as well as I deserved. I had the best thing I have ever had. I lost it all because I was actually too stupid to realize what was really happening.
Im so stupid that I didnt understand it- she was treating me better than I deserve. She still is. She says that "as things stand right now, we will never be together again".

Yet the fucking angel cries because she cant be here for me. She wants to help me through this so badly, but she knows she cant do anything. She doesnt want to be my wife for life. Its not her fault that I wasent good enough and she shouldnt be feeling bad. The only way that she could make me feel better, is to love me the way she used to- when she looked into my eyes and wanted to kiss me.

I made her promise to try not to think about me, not to let me see her, but to never forget me and to still talk to me. I dont want to stop talking to her, I dont want to loose touch with her whatsoever. I love her.

I have never felt so fucked up and confused in my life.

I want to just stop feeling everything, forever, Because I know she is smart enough to know; that she deserves to be treated better than I treated her.

AT THE SAME TIME!

I never want to stop thinking about her. She made me happier than I have ever felt. I never want to accept that I will live my life, less happy than I could be- if I were with her. I love thinking about her and thinking about every time I have seen her smile. I love thinking about every time she has touched her lips to mine, held my hand, laid in bed with me, told me I was a beautiful boy, every time she said "i love you".

Why would I want to stop thinking about the best moments I have ever heard with another person?

I have to try to stop all of my fucking bullshit.

I am being such a weak little bitch.

I shouldnt be making the person I love the most feel like shit, just cause Im being a bitch.

I need to get tough about it, or I need to try to numb/ drown my pains.

Its over Billy, you God damned stupid fuck.

She doesnt want you to take her to disneyland or mexico. She really wants to go to both of those places right now, but she doesnt want you ungrateful stupid ass to take her. She can see through you. She knows that you think you can buy her back. Both of you know that you cant buy her love back. You fucked up.

BILLY, NO LONGER DO YOU DESERVE TO BE AS HAPPY AS SHE MADE YOU.

Tessa I am sorry for this diaryland entry. I asked you not to read my internet shit anymore, but if I were you I would still be reading it. I am not trying to make any of my friends dislike you. I love you. I just need to vent. I am drunk. The same way you abused codeine when you were so hurt.

I am not trying to make you look bad. Yeah I am so hurt right now, but I accept full responsibility for everything that has happened. You fell out of love with me for a reason.

Friends and foes of mine, do not blame her for me hating myself right now. You probably cant do anything to make me happier right now and I appreciate you, but may not appreciate you trying to help me "cheer up".

I just am all fucked up right now. For so long I actually thought that I was unable to cry. I have cried more this month- than I did when my grandpa died. And when my grandpa died, I cried more than I ever had before.

I dont even know whats up anymore. I dont know how I am doing this. The minute I got home, I took my dads liter of grey goose vodka out of the liquor cabinet. My mom says he isnt drinking anymore. Im not sure if I believe either of them about it, but it should be easier to steal their alcohol now. Anyways Im loosing my train of thought right now cause my fave director, Quentin Tarentino is on that asshole Carson Daily's show. But yeah, until now, I was impressed with my writing. I usually am impressed with my writing skills especially after it was always my best class in school.
BACK ON TRACK
I drank half a liter of grey goose before I started this entry... and I think it really helped me. Although writing some of the things I wrote- hurt me just thinking about them, I needed to write them and I didnt cry. I felt sad, but I didnt cry like I did earlier when I thought about the same stuff when I was sober.

For the first time, I think I am using this as it was made to be used. I threw my thoughts out into my diary so that I could actually express myself and vent and think while I was writing.

Pretty much every other time I have ever used my diaryland, it was just so I could tell you people (whoever reads this dribble) anything.
Something happened or I felt some way, and I just wanted to tell anyone who would listen to me.

I am just shit. You know it. Now I know it. I dont want to talk about this to any of you. I dont want you to try to comfort me. It will just make me think about how no one will make me as happy as she did.

JUST BE HAPPY THAT IM NOT TURNING TO COCAINE FOR ESCAPE.

It was my first thought tonight on the drive back to the drum. I couldnt stop crying and yelling and speeding, all I could think was; I wish I could just do a ton of blow right now.

PRETEND IM ALRIGHT.

EVERY TIME I WRITE ONE OF THESE, I WISH I DIDNT.

TONIGHT I AM GLAD I WROTE THIS BECAUSE IT REALLY HELPED ME UNDERSTAND THINGS.

It helped me understand whats going on in my own life, more than it informed you on my situation.

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