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2:29 a.m. - 2006-07-23
im fucking up.
I really dont care who reads this or whatever cause i have been telling everyone personal shit all week and im just going to recap most of it.

at the begining of the week brittany ditched out on going to the zoo with me. its fine [b]im used[/b] to it. i thought i would have just as good of a day if i went with carly, so i invited her to go to the zoo with me. since its just my pal carly i thought it would make it a better trip if we got drunk. we stopped somewhere on 17th and then the liquor store on 17th, said hi to anna at her first day and bought a bottle of grey goose vodka. i found out that my vacation pay cheque was finally in at joeys so i went and picked it up, carly and i had a double rum and coke and a vodka water and lime. it was about 1:15pm. carly got a call from hammy and she was told her cd was in at music world, we picked it up and then realized by the time we took the train to the zoo, it would be closing in like 2 hours. we planned on seeing a movie but on the way we visited emma and then got really cute pictures in the photoboth. we both had our big sunglasses on and every single pictue turned out to be really cute. we went to moxies and 3 more doubles each and then we visited emma again. we went to the jeep and eached poured 1 liters worth of vodka water and lime, took our water bottles, looked for emma again and then went bowling. it was fun and cute and we were both really bad and getting pretty drunk. emma came and hung out with us for 15 minutes at the bowling alley and then carly and i went to south center. i really dont remember why we wanted to go there in the first place but we were there for a while. we checked west 49 as i always do to see if shylah or brittany are working. i think we saw brittany but i dont remember. carly took me to a store and she was trying on some clothes. i strayed away and got my second holes of my ears pierced at ardiene (or whatever, that little girls store) the asian girl who pierced them suspected i was drunk but went on with it. i went to the store next door and carly was trying on a cute dress. i wanted to buy it for her cause it was cute and i started getting the crush that i used to have for her back in full force. and you all know i am an idiot and throw money and gifts at girls i like. carly would let me buy the dress for her, but i put the money (the amout the dress cost) in her purse while we were walking back to see brittany again. later i told her that i put that money in her purse. she found it and had no clue how it got there but i tried to hint. i wanted credit for the gift and maybe something in return. we got another set of pictures in that mall. again, every single one turned out so cute. 8/8. that never fucking happens. we picked up nick and went to okatokes to get marcella. it had been like 4 days since i smoked and marcella had cigarettes. i asked for one and then carly said she didnt want me to as i was about to light it. so i gave it back to marcella. i really love it when girls dont want me to smoke, or when the want me to be careful and wear my seat belt. it makes me feel like they actually care. at this point i was almost expoloding with love for carly. the night went really down hill from there and i drank until i thought cutting my wrist was a good idea. the blades were dull but i went in the shower, when they are lubed up, they cut easier. now i have a fucking hideous cut, suicide faggot emo styles on my wrist, and its big and hard to miss. you wont see me in short sleves for like 2 months. i wanted, hoped and really belived that something was going on with carly, it just felt like so much more than a friendship for that day, even how she acted, not just what we were doing. i gave up on that thought today tho. its not happening. girls dont want to date me.

brittany left to moose jaw for 2 days. without so much as calling to say goodbye or to let me know she got there safely. after i do so much for her and get nothing in return, she does so much for someone who doesnt even want it that much. but she still gives it to him.

i fucked a girl in the back seat of my jeep the night before warped. first time with the piercing. 3 weeks to the day, i was suposed to wait 6 weeks but it seems fine. it hurt, but the pain just made me last longer. when i was done (without her noticing) i just told her that it hurt too much and i couldnt do it anymore. so we kissed goodbye and i picked nick up from work.

nick and i picked andy up and we went to nicks and then racecity to camp out for warped, worst idea ever. no sleep, but it gave me a chance to sneak vodka in so i could pick it up later in the day during the fest. we ended up going to janeys at like 6:40 or something and she came out to the car at 8:02. we were all freaking out making bets on when she would get there. i drank a extra large coffee pretty fast and it wasent sitting well as we hung out in the parking lot 3 hours before the gates opened. by 11 when janey and i got in, it was probs like plus 25 and only got hotter every hour. i picked up my vodka and was finished it by 12:30. a mickey and a half in an hour in a half with no sleep and the heat on the concrete. i was drunk for a while, then the factors combined and i was worse than drunk, i could barely stand or walk and i have little recolection of most of the day. my face is badly burned. the heat stroke could be due to the thermal shirt i was wearing to hide the cut on my arm.
the day was a bust.

i went to hifi last night and got drunk. i woke up and there was a load of vomit in the toilet. i dont remeber much after leaving the club.

today i broke alot of promises that i made to myself. pitched a tent at a party and had a pretty good day. even though i feel like an asshole for stealing $1200 from my parents in the last 4 days. i wouldnt feel as bad if i didnt think that im going to get caught. the bank called and left me a message on my cell. they said it was pretty serious and i have to call them back. i deleted the message and they havent called back in the 2 days they have been open since.

if i do get caught ill have a long talk with my parents and they will let it slide after i pay them back. im pretty sure the bank cant do anything if my parents say that im aloud to write myself cheques. it would also suck if when the bank talked to them- they may notice that i have been taking about 400-800 a week on top of the 100 cash they give me a week. plus i already promised my mom id pay her $1200 cause i actually asked for it and didnt just take it. all together id probably owe them about $6000.

wish me luck or hope i burn in hell for litterally being the worst son i could possibly be considering how good i have it.

i want to fuck again. i want to actually end up paying my parents back $6000 in the next few months even if they dont find out i stole it. i want to stop smoking completely. im not sure why, it will make my mom happy and it just seems better, i want to be healthy and get lipo and be hot so girls will randomly call me more for sex or so i can get a girlfriend. i want to stop fucking up and actually just be fucking good for a while.

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