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6:12 a.m. - 2004-12-20 I feel guilty about things. I know they aren�t cool. I�m sorry. A hug from Holly can actually turn your night around. Thank you Holly. You make me feel good. I have been thinking about this girl a lot and I doubt she is really thinking about me. I don't know her so well yet, but she gave that feeling that I got when a girl said, "I am going to make you wear your seat belt". With the last girl, I know I said "I�d quit smoking for her", but she never seemed too bothered by the smoking- so I didn�t quit. But here is this new girl and mark my words, I would quit smoking for her (if she cares enough or just asks or just wants me to do so). I feel dumb for even thinking about all this because well� there has been no indication of mutual feelings. (*note: I have read this all about 30 times already, literally, and I know that I should have stopped around this point) I feel creepy. I feel like a creep. Nice girls with good intentions are in danger when they hang out under this heart. It�s big and heavy. No one can really tell when it will just fall. It gets too heavy sometimes. There isn�t much that I can do about it. I�ve tried lots of things and every time it still just falls on an unsuspecting sweetheart. I thought I had some disgusting, strange Internet crush; and I was right. Well not completely right. I did think this girl was very cute and funny even though I had never met her. Then I did meet her and I still think that she is very cute and funny. I have come up with a reason for all my confusion. I will share this reason with you now... I really like cute and funny girls, and I wanted to be friends with this one. So when she started communicating with me, I was just really excited and happy (which is why I felt like I had a crush on her) but I was really just excited that I might get to be her friend. I'm sorry for being weird. So with these 4 new friends come 4 new feelings. I have some love for some girls. Only saw 2 of them tonight. Only cared to see one of them. So I guess I care more than I thought I did. I thought that I liked all these girls the same amount. I thought that I didn�t care which relationship escalates, but I guess I do care about that because I wanted to see one more than others. Now that I am thinking about it, I am not even sure that I have other crushes anymore. I thought that I wanted to see one a little more than the other, when really I just wanted to see one and didn�t care about the other. I hope I am wrong. I just don�t want to put my heart out on the line for no reason� again. I hate myself and don�t know why I am doing this. I don�t know why I am writing this. I don�t want there to be this cloud hanging above me. I talk about my feelings a lot. I don�t want to ruin anything. I especially don�t want to feel like I have something more going for me, for us (*note: I am fully aware that there is no �us�). I just wish I could go with the flow of things, but I can�t. I always have to over analyze everything. If I am so transparent and you know I am talking about you; then I hope you know, that I am just over thinking everything. -I am not trying to moving too fast. Just writing my stupid fast thoughts- I'm not trying to �move� anything at any pace. (*note: I wish I didn�t write this entry) I hope that I am not seen the way I see myself. I hope that those who do read this- will understand everything that they read. I don�t want to ruin things so early on (not things like: a possible future, just things as in: the way we are right now). I am sorry for thinking about you. I am not creepily obsessed with you or anything. I am just writing what I feel and I always seem to have girls at the highest priority in my thoughts. So without sleep, my coffee fueled thoughts refuse to slow down. I don�t want to be doing this. I swear. I am losing it. I don�t know why I am still writing and I really don�t get why I am still going to submit this entry. I know that I would rather you not know these things. I hope you are the kind of girl that can see through this layer of my thoughts that I label �creepy� (and I really do think I am being creepy- which sickens me because I feel compelled to explain my reasons and answers of questions that were never asked) and gaze into the deeper layers of my feelings. If you can see past all of this thinking- then I hope you can see that this is just as innocent as a schoolgirls crush. I hope you see that my feelings are normal- I am just way too open while expressing those normal feelings. I am going to work on that. I am going to start keeping my feelings to myself. This will be the last entry that I blindly blurt out all of my feelings. So I guess I should make it worthwhile. I will now make a larger ass of myself. I really liked sitting beside her. I think about holding her hand (nothing more). My heart is failing me. Music doesn�t do the same for me that it did a week ago. I can�t sing in the car, even when I am alone. I can�t draw strange pencil sketches anymore. Besides my overkill thoughts of her- I feel empty. This may be another reason why I am thinking about her. I am otherwise emotionless. My sleeping habits are not healthy. I can�t sleep at night then I cant wake up in the day. I am too irritable and I know this. I am sorry for being so up tight lately. I don�t mean to snap at little things or anyone�s personal habits but like I said before, I am losing it. I have little grasp on self-control. These new people- met me at a very strange point in my life. I hope they wont hate me as they get to know me better. I value them. I feel like I am getting closer to some friends and a hell of a lot further from others. For the most part, these expansions/contractions haven�t been registered as bad things. I hope everyone has stopped reading by now. I don�t want to waste anyone�s time with this dribble. I will now try to finish all of this shit off. I am worried about Lee Jay and Shylah. Not so much Lee Jay because I took him to his house, but with Shylah� we are not even sure if her mom picked her up. She went to wait outside, and then a few hours later when the rest of us went outside- she wasn�t there. I knew she wouldn�t be there a few hours later, but a lot could have happened in those few hours. We are not even sure if she was talking to her mom on the phone. She was not in a right state of mind. Lee Jay�s Mom called Justin�s cell just before we dropped him off. So she would have been awake and possibly tried to talk to him. I want a bit of a hair cut. Just a clean up, you know? Like� a 2 around the sides and the back. Un blended. Maybe a quarter or half inch off the top. My basement smells. Christmas soon. This time off of school is nice and appreciated but I think it could be snowier out. I just want to build a fricken snowman with a �kewtie� then maybe drink some Hot Chocolate with her. I don�t think anyone else has ever taken this long to write an entry. It is now 9:02. Start time- 6:12. I have proofread it 1000 times. I try to make every sentence reflect my intellect using modern dialect and cheep clich�s. With this hate that I circulate- I try to be seen as articulate. I probably F�dSU (fucked shit up) for myself with all of these words, but, I really did feel the need to write out every feeling I had inside of me- I hope that you wont see this as the focal point on which you will base any decision. I know that this whole thing is a poor representation of myself and how good I can be. I think these new people in my life can improve the person that I really am and shape the person that I will become. I'm sorry about this length. I hope everyone gets back from Edmonton safely. -I hope Amanda has a good birthday Happy Birthday Amanda! 1867 words later, I think I am finished. <3 maybe stupid pictures will make a stupid entry less stupid? |